


sometimes i wish that we hadn't gotten so deep

by nuestinsync



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Depression, Happy Ending, M/M, Not Beta Read, cold summers, i don't know how to write a long story lol, living alone, not sure what ty calls dy, same ship same me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:09:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24791374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuestinsync/pseuds/nuestinsync
Summary: it's one of those days but there's one important person who's there for doyoung.song: little piece of nothing - dave thomas jr
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	sometimes i wish that we hadn't gotten so deep

A figure laid horizontal on a sofa in the living room of an empty apartment. He’d been there hours and with zero interruption. By now, the sun was fading behind the clouds but in the face of his ignorance of time or place, it faded a little more each sunset.

Two messages lit up his screen but he was busy drowning himself in music. He always returned to his current acoustic playlist and felt at least a little transported, enough to keep coming back to it. Doyoung usually answered every message promptly, was always available to everyone in his life no matter if he was busy. He loved making time for others. Though the days kept coming when his energy for anybody else couldn’t rise above at zero. When there was radio silence for most of his days but not the nights, he resented his caregiving friendship style. It seemed like he shouldn’t try to change himself, who he really is at heart and always will be, just to spare others any worry. Sometimes, he wished in some of those friendships that he hadn’t gotten so deep. To make such a strong bond but be helpless to the whims of another and perhaps not be able to sustain it more than a few years.

Two people cared about him right now, in his echo-empty apartment. That wasn’t an exaggeration, really, because emotional support givers were few and far between at this point in his life. Unless he was willing to get hurt again, not from his parents. Even when he reconnected with the closest friends of his past, encouraged by the idea of others that a pandemic was the perfect time to throw caution to the wind, these talks ended too quickly, without exception.

Home. This wasn’t exactly what he’d envisioned. Truth be told, he misses sharing the responsibilities, the living energy of his old house and even the awkward run-ins with his previous acquaintance-housemates. There was no light waiting for him in this apartment but he didn’t regret sticking it out here over crawling back to his family.

To just keep waiting for a light to shine on his darkest thoughts in this darkening room was pathetic and futile, he realised. This petty resentment for his friends and their lack of reciprocation, checking up on him for the sake of it or arranging a time to talk that didn’t just happen to be convenient company for their scheduled exercise, would not last. But it made him feel disposable and forgettable. Often, he was aware, he was forgotten and the long list of people he might never reconcile with again were proof of that, the reality of which sometimes sat like a rock in his stomach.

_“I’m with you. I will always be on your side.”_

He remembered these words, the last words he’d heard in person. From the one he loved unconditionally, who could not know just how much these promises meant to someone directionless, self-hating. The best of his friends were those who had to disappear for their own health, too. The ones who found it a constant uphill struggle complete with some falls to love themselves. Talking with them at any time in any form was his safest space, and he had felt able to tell one person that he was suicidal. Taeyong had listened intently, never asking too much at once, never interrupting with his own trauma, always asking if his input was ok; he had somehow cautiously been able to support Doyoung in his corner and shed a little light for him with just presence, just love and understanding. He could have offered casual words, never asked for elaboration, and said a few meaningless words and wished Doyoung the best with recovery. The latter had hammered on that he was seeking help, therapy that hadn’t begun yet, and instead of backing off, Taeyong continued to be there. Regularly there. Reliably there. Laying there, on his scratched up, overused sofa, tears filled Doyoung’s eyes with gratitude for something so simple yet rare. His personal sun was with him every day. 

Doyoung opened his messages later. Taeyong had sent more questions and emojis after.

“DY let’s catch up!”  
“am online any time just lmk”  
“i miss uuuu”  
“you know that right?”

He allowed himself to smile a little, in that dark, heatless room, in a bundle in the same spot he’d been in all day. That didn’t matter now.

**Author's Note:**

> if you would like to support me i am a 2020 graduate 😜  
> https://ko-fi.com/nuestinsync


End file.
